I have decided that we should stop keeping in touch,
So that people that I don't care about will be happy.
Now, doesn't that sound damn fucked?

I'm sick and tired of having considerations about what I want to do,
Hence I've made this decision based on others' opinions.
That is as ironic as it can get.

If we can turn back time.
If we can choose all over again.
The ending will be the same.
So why would I ever want to think about "turning back time" and "all over again"?

Life doesn't have a lack of Promises,
It is lacking in Eternity.

There are some people that I wish I could ban them from reading this
Because they may very likely spread the news of the blog
And I don't want this blog to end up getting screams from people
But too late to unlink the blog now

There are some people that I do wish will come across this blog
Because I just need them to know what is in my mind
Not when I'm pissed
But when I'm still reminiscing
Not always that I'm not over it
Just that
Some people and things come into one's life,
Change it,
And life just isn't the same anymore.

This morning I got an SMS inviting me to her birthday BBQ.
From her someone special.
How intriguing.
Shouldn't the person inviting me be the one I keep in touch with,
(Actually I think she kinda asked me earlier already)
And not one that I don't even talk to?

[It suddenly came to my mind that a year and a half ago,
Someone promised to hold a BBQ just for the two of us in her garden.]

Obviously I ain't going.
I don't really enjoy BBQs anyway.

Someone won't be there anyway.

Trip to farawaylands made me realise one thing:
It isn't you that I can't runaway from,
It is me that I can't escape from.

She said you'll be going back to UK soon.
Felt really odd at that moment,
But I can't explain why.
Yeah the weather there really isn't too bright and sunny,
but over here we have unpredictable weathers too.
Just like how we have unexplainable emotions.
Will I ever see you?

Yo Jack,
Merry Xmas.

Did you do any shopping in HK?
Hope you're enjoying yourself.
Haven't spoken to you for a while.
And a long time since I saw "Leafy".

I think Christmas is a terrible time,
If you are single.
And ten times worse,
If you are missing someone.

Met up with a friend today.
She was a fantastic tour guide.
The Christmas atmosphere here is the best I ever experienced.
The Christmas crowd was crazy -
Many many many many roads were blocked up for pedestrians
[Imagine if Orchard Road was blocked all the way from Forum to Somerset approx.]
But I still felt claustrophobic.
I'm so sure the whole of Hong Kong gathered in Tsim Sha Tsui.
The coast on HK Island had a fantastic view cos of the neon light christmas decorations.
To think we always felt neon lights were sleazy.
Walking alone was...
Interesting.
Don't know if the crowd made me feel less alone,
Or more lonely.
Perhaps both.

Merry Christmas, Sven.

Merry Christmas and Happy 21st Birthday, Leafy.

Sorry pal, I was out today.
Couldn't log on.
Sounds like you're on a real adventure over there,
Haha,
Take care.

In farawayland III.
Was in farawayland II over the weekend and internet is almost non-existent there.
Internet is cheaper than food here so I decided to pay to get online in a underground internet bar.
Running low on funds, but paid for the necessities first.
The room I'm staying in is... incredible.
[note: it isn't a hotel]
I can't even show anyone cos the lowest point of the trip came
- I ran out of film and camera battery -
And being low on funds I can't buy.
Forgive me pal(s), no presents from farawayland.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm thinking about Her, and Her, and Her.
I'm missing abit of Her, and Her.
Memories.
Dammit.
I'm getting to be a true jerk,
I think.

Jack,
Maybe it's just me,
But my eyebrows seemed to be growing thicker!
Hahaha,
Maybe it's my body's natural response,
To evil people with no eyebrows.

This is really just a "BTW" for 17th December 2002.
BTW,
I waited at Changi Airport from 7am till 4pm cos the flight was delayed.
Ordered a Cafe Latte but fell asleep on the comfortable sofa before it came.
Slept in the open cafe seat [sitting up] from around 10am till 2pm.
I was really tired.
It was really quite comfortable.
Waited at Canton Airport for another 2 hours cos the flight was also delayed.
What a wasted day.

In Faraway Land.
The skies were filled with stars for the past few days.
Happened to recall how she said
The skies are always filled with stars the times we walked together.
Happened to also recall many other words
That I'm still not sure if she meant
[could have been the alcohol, could have been the fatigue]
Yet, it is such words that make it hard for us to be jerks.

How's my fellow jerk-wannabe?

It is ironic that there are no jerks in The Jerk Club.

You mean the little prose that goes,
"In an alternate reality,
You'll be perfect for me.
The cruel truth that I see,
Is that we can never be."

Sigh.
Don't exactly love it now.
Cos I don't want to think that "we" can never be.

I can't decide if we should ever meet again.
My heart says "Yes, be true to your feelings. Afterall, a promise was made."
My head says "No, of what value is the promise when it was asked to be made?"
Hate to think.
Hate to feel (again).
Just let me get outta here
Before I really fall.

Leaving for the airport in 6 hours' time,
Leaving on a jetplane in about 8 hours' time.

Actually, I deleted her number from my mobile the day I typed on this blog
".... I've decided to get you out of my head. As soon as possible."
But it's ridiculous
Because her number is still stored
In my head
Like the way she looked when she first caught my eye
Like the way she looked when I saw her the second time
Like the way she looked when we first met
(which is also the first time I saw her without a drop of alcohol in my blood)
Like the way she smiles, the way she frowns, ........

I'm so doomed.

Just recalled that I pretended I was 15 today.
Hahahaha.
How
Totally incredible.

This is the actual story of Shrack and Princess Fiona.
Only with a much different story line from the original Shrek .

When we said goodbye this afternoon,
I was determined that this would be the last time we meet.
Until she made me promise that we'll meet again after I return.
Should I keep my promise?
Or should I just forget about it after today,
because self-preservation theory says
"It is better to reject before you are rejected." ?

I asked someone Why (are we still friends)
She said Because ('we' are not meant to be)
Hate that line, perhaps because it's so lame yet true.

Sven's line on the alternate reality is much better.
Say it again, Sven, don't let me take the credit.

The Dating Day
turned out to be pretty enjoyable
Despite the rain reducing the number of hours I saw her for (met up late)
We spent most of our time walking around and, I'm ashamed to say, shopping
But as everyone should know
It's not about what people do together,
but about the fact that they are together,
so whether they are doing something or nothing,
It doesn't matter.

Jack, since I've lost The One,
What do I do now?

I've to live the rest of my life,
Knowing that The One has come and gone.
Why do you think I refused to give it up,
Refused to let her go?
Because she is The One.
But now I've lost her.

Got a big date today
But the weather is unpredictable
Let's hope we'll just enjoy ourselves
Dilemma lies in
Should this be a memorable day?

Guess what.
The one who said not to keep in touch called.
Said she just wanted to be a bitch so I can forget about her.
Told her I'm over it
Said she was being egoistic
Told her why I was sad
Said she didn't mean it
Told her I was angsty and whoozy but now
I'm ok
I guess
We're ok

Sven,
Everyone is bound to be tempted, they say,
It is all about how you try to get over all those temptations
And keep your relationship going.
So
THE ONE
is actually just The Person who can make you actually get over those temptations,
Or, in your case,
Have One Single Attraction.
Guess you found your one.

Sorry dude,
I wasn't around today.

Hope you are fine.
Let's go shopping soon,
Jerks need to look good ya know?

I think one of the most basic things every jerk must do,
Is to cheat.
Somehow I think I can never, and will never know how to do that.
Cheating?
It's not even about resisting temptation.
How can I be tempted,
When you're all I think about,
The only one I fantasize about?

Wanted to stop the messaging and phone calls
But my fingers found their way to the buttons on the mobile.
Again.
Like how they did a few days ago.

Tomorrow may be the last time we ever meet
But the words unsaid may still not find their way.
Even if you are wishing that it all never happened,
I will gladly tell you that
It is one of the best things that happened in my life.

3 lines NEVER to tell me:
1_ What are you trying to prove?
2_ It's just not meant to be.
3_ I was only telling a white lie.

[I'll add on more another day]

Woke up this morning feeling as pissed at I did 10 hours ago.

Always the same story
They come to me crying
I say things comforting
Stupid but comforting
They start laughing
Laughing laughing laughing
All the way back into someone else's arms
Fantastic.
There is always only a thin line between a hero and a fool.

The best part is when she said
Maybe we shouldn't be meeting up 'cos
"it's too early for us to meet up without feeling upset"
US?
I never thought that there were THREE of us.
She should know better too.


Sven is right, we can never be jerks.
Why am I still letting her call the shots when we aren't even together anymore?
I listen to her speak, go out when she suggests, .........
Now that she is saying that we shouldn't meet,
We will not contact each other.
What the fuck is that?

YOU.
You think you changed my life? You think my life will crumble without you?
You are damn wrong.
You think I cried for you? You think I can't get over you?
You're still damn wrong.
I don't need your sympathy, don't need your listening ears, don't need anything from you.
You're the one who turned your back on this time, so don't blame me
if one day you should look back and find that I'm no longer there.

What is done, cannot be undone.
What is said, cannot be unsaid.
What is heard, cannot be unheard.

Now you're saying that those actions and words
were just impulsive, spur-of-the-moment things
So what?

Just like how
What has been broken, cannot be unbroken,
What has been hurt, cannot be unhurt.

*whoozy from drinking cheap beer too quickly*

Yeah I hate being taken for granted.
Nope I don't always treat everyone so nicely.
Yeah I haven't felt my heart beat this way for a long long time.
Nope I don't wanna fall and get hurt.
Yeah I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.
Nope I won't say more.

The first rule of the Jerk Club is of course:
"Play, or be Played."
That's simple enough to figure out right?
For animals, it's either you eat or be eaten.
For humans, it's about playing for survival.

In the end, it's just about failing to follow my own words of wisdom.

A long ago I came up with this concept for a Jerk Club
But I left it all behind and fell in love.
A hell lot of good it has done me.
I'm still very much in love with a girl though.
I may never get over her.
I even tried to kill myself because I can't be with her.
I don't think I can ever be a jerk.
But Jack thinks we should at least try to make ourselves feel better.

Play, or Be played.
That is the finest statement made ever since I was born.
Yet I can't bring myself to play.
Hence I've decided to get you out of my head.
As soon as possible.