What do you do when you look around you,
And to your utmost horror,
You realise there is no one you can relate to?

I am stepping closer towards quitting.

And don't -
Don't say anything patronising.
Please.

Moldova?

Another good thing about Kiva,
It makes me discover places,
That I would have otherwise been ignorant about.


I have just made a loan on Kiva,
To Stinga Ion of Moldova,
So that he can buy food for his pigs,
And film for his greenhouse.

Microfinance is such a fantastic idea.
If I have to take degree in finance,
This will definitely be my major.

While we walked along the stretch of shophouses at Tanjong Pagar,
One eager salesman asked us if we wanted to go into his shop,
To check out the wedding gowns and such.
I was holding back my gaffaw while we politely declined,
But I started laughing a few shop houses down,
While she kept saying "No no no no no!"

Honestly, it was a 'nice' moment,
For someone thought we were a couple,
And that thought,
Was what contributed to 50% of my laughter.
;]

I figured that I must be stressed at work,
Not because I actually feel it in a direct manner.
The reality dawned upon me when I realised...

1
I have been taking fast large steps,
Zooming by everything and everyone while heading to work,
And perhaps even when I am working.
It is as if any sluggishness is wasting precious time.

2
I have been taking short breaths.
It feels like any slow deep breaths will slow me now,
And of course I can't afford to do that!

I know the above actions make no sense,
Neither mathematically nor medically,
Which is why I know I am feeling the pressure of Tender.

Pent-up angst has been doing the thinking,
Especially after the project manager quit her job,
And was asked to leave immediately.

When my direct boss told me the other day,
"Please speak to me before you send such emails",
I wanted to tell her ,
"When I was here at 1130pm, you weren't.".
Fortunately I still had the rationality not to,
Because she probably didn't think it was something urgent,
While I am the kind who likes to deal to things quickly & efficiently.

The nagging feeling of working toward nothing,
Is growing as every day passes by.
My colleague suggested I bring up any discontent to our direct boss,
Instead of waiting for Review (which happens only in July).
The thing about informal feedback,
Is that people don't really take you seriously.
What I got as a response was "let's see",
Which everyone should have heard before,
And which we all know always always ends up to NOTHING.

I don't wanna be working on a fucking school,
From now to 2013 and beyond,
When it is one of the most boring projects I have worked on.
I just want something to be excited about.
Granted, it is a money churning project,
But I doubt I will be seeing much of it.
Which is why I hate it when the architecture firm staff,
Tells me that "you better do XXX because you are paid so much $$$!"

Excuse me,
I will do whatever I do because I have integrity,
Not because you are paying my boss $$$ -
An amount which I don't even have an idea about.

So what if it is a large project? -
Quality is more important than quantity/size.
I'd rather a small diamond than a large piece of glass.

I don't want to find my portfolio barren at the end of 5 years,
Only with one huge mediocre school project.
I have never complained about working overtime.
All I need something to be passionate about.

Am I in the wrong firm?
Will my boss ever stop working with mediocre consultants?
Do they have a plan for me?

Ah yes,
I am complaining.
Because it is about time.

The other day,
Someone was telling me about doing one thing right,
After having done everything else wrong.
That sounds really great actually -
Everyone loves a reform, no?

Then I realised that we are running in reverse directions.

Having done everything right all my life,
There came a point in time,
When I realised I had enough of being good and right.
I started to see how I can avoid doing everything the right way,
If I didn't believe it was true to me.

Not everyone was happy with that.
It is easier to be horrible first and nice later,
Rather than start good and become bad.
Because it is all about expectations.

But what is the point of being good and right,
If it ends up making you feel like you've been wrong?

What I am regretting,
Is that perhaps I shouldn't have been so good and right.

And I am still trying not to be.