Haven't been bloggin cos I've been working late.
Work is great,
There is progress, and satisfaction.
It's one thing that I can really rely on for now.

There have been a couple of nasty things happening.
People talk to me like I can't feel a thing,
People talk behind my back as if I can't hear them.
Just because I can be nice,
Doesn't mean that I can't feel upset, hurt, or anything negative.
Why should I trust anyone anymore,
When the one who asked for my trust disappointed me time and again;
When everything can be easily twisted with manipulation of grammar and vocab?

( Kay-lene,
Here is something that you should see..
Hope you'll find your way back on the track of joy again.)

Suspicion that I am becoming masochistic.
Patiently waiting to see who can next hurt me.
It's hard to imagine now,
But the day will come.

And one day I'll draw up a comparative chart,
To see who caused me most agony.
Hopefully,
That will be the day I can laugh about everything that happened.

[ I felt a little gladder today,
As I realised she won't have to walk that long way home alone again.]

Woke up on Sunday morning, voiceless.
Went to the doc and his lozenges revived my larynx.
Jack the muggertoad spent the rest of the day teaching chem,
Plus studying for first-aid test.
Now Jack is a qualified first-aider.
Still don't know how to mend a broken heart though.

The pretty things in nature are often poisonous.
Toadstools,
Frogs,
To name a few.
The brighter the color,
The prettier they look,
The more poisonous.
Same thing about girls.
Pretty girls are all poisonous.
If you throw caution to the wind,
Do not cry when you are nursing your wounds.

Talking about protection,
Take the following analogy into consideration.
Even if everyone else says she's a bitch,
I will still insist on my policy,
Of judging from my own experience.
And not listening to rumours.
So everyone says she sleeps around.
But you didn't care,
Because she says "I'm a virgin."
So you left your condom at home.
And now a HIV-positive you is crying.

Not exactly a correct analogy.
But neh-mind right?

What is Love ?

Jack had forgotten how to love,
The way I loved in the past.
It was a shame indeed,
For I could once love without expectations.
Reality kinda struck me hard.
And upon relfection, I realised I didn't lose it all.

I miss her smile,
I miss her smell,
I miss her voice,
I miss her laughter.
Ironically, the last time I heard her laugh,
Was when she admitted that she was attached.
Now,
Her smiles are for someone else,
Her laughters are for someone else,
She belongs to someone else.
I miss the times we spent together,
Even though we were never an item.

To my the Princess,
Haven't told you,
I'm wishing you happiness and a blissful relationship.

As long as you're with someone that makes you laugh,
I'm should be happy for you.
And if someone ever lets you down,
Just look over your shoulder,
And you'll know I'm still around.

Went Mad Monks yesterday,
Met a couple of people I haven't seen in damn long.
One of them commented on my depression :
"You have only yourself to blame, you asked for it."

Saw her with her someone.
Found myself trying desperately to pick up pieces of my broken heart,
And quietly mend it with alcohol.
I guess I really can't handle it, not yet.

Also saw ex with her someone.
Didn't know how to react too.

Left early, sober.
Thanks for being there to listen, per.
.............................................................................

Buddy-day today.
Sven and I created new mad words.
Snail-juice. Octo-pede. Milli-pus.
Walked around alot,
And we have new items on our wish-list.

The cough is getting worse.
Considering that a boy who recently went China died from similar symptoms,
And that Dr Celine Leong said I'm probably having a virus,
I think I'll visit the clinic tomorrow.

Jack is becoming weak-willed.

20-02-2003 22:39:12
- Message Received -
" Someday,...
U'll forget abt me...
My name...
My voice...
Who I m...
& who i m 2 u...
But meeting once in a lifetime is already a gift.
Take care! "

It has been repeating in my head since then.
I almost couldn't breathe when I received this.
Being on the streets certainly prevented a breakdown.
I know it is only some forwarded message,
But doesn't she know what this means when it comes from her to me.
Someday.
Someday, hopefully, she'll know that I can never forget.

Reached home from work at 11pm,
Made and gobbled cheese & sausage sandwiches.
Ended up coughing them out.
The cough hasn't improved since Monday.
Is it really true that emotional health is inline with physical health?

Sitting here in the office,
Working on a project on Hainan Island,
Yet my thoughts are elsewhere,
My heart is elsewhere,
My soul is lost.

Sven,
I wanted to say that what you need is to go back to the past,
When your shoes are perfect, bike is good, modules aren't sucky;
And that I need to move on, to somewhere new, to find someone new,
To a place I can forget about everything that has happened.
But I realised that in the end, it won't work too.
We have nowhere to go.

Seems like everything is going wrong for us Jack.
It's alright.
We're in this together.
But you'll be out of this before you know it.
For me,
I'll have to admit that depression will always be a part of my life.

Today is the day,
I experienced greater agony than I ever did the past few days.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
It seems like I'm pushing away all the people I love...
.......................................................................................................

To Van, the one who loved me for who I was and who I am :

I'm sorry.
I never meant to upset you.
Forgive me for being so selfish.

What is a Meantime Girl ?
( Go on, click on it and find out for yourself.)

Now that we know what's a Meantime Girl,
What is a MTD?
( Go on, click on it. I spent time writing it you know.)

What is the word to use to describe the feeling,
When you accidentally spill ink on your favourite only-one-in-the-world-shirt?
I'm too arrogant to blame myself.
......................................................................................................................................

If I was a jerk, I wouldn't have tried to quit fagging for her.
If I was a jerk, I wouldn't have seriously fallen for her.
If I was a jerk, I wouldn't have felt joy the times she smiled and heartache the times she cried.
If I am a jerk, it won't hurt that she doesn't care.

Unfortunately, I couldn't be, and can't be.

If I could stop feeling for her, I wouldn't have smiled to her all those times I wanted to cry.
If I could stop feeling for her, I wouldn't have asked her never ever to read this blog again.
If I could stop feeling for her, I wouldn't have waited to tell her how I felt all along.
If I can stop feeling, depression can't get me down.

Unfortunately, I couldn't.
And I still can't.

I still remember telling her,
As long as you move on, it doesn't matter if it isn't me.
I didn't lie.
But where is the pain coming from?

[ The only thing that can stop me from feeling for you, is You. ]

It rained today.
And I felt extremely cold.

Sucky day.
So tired that I actually decided to give sch a miss.
Slept like a log in the afternoon,
Cos I wasn't feeling well.

You know what?
I dreamt about a helmet.
Not just any helmet,
But the front of the head has a bulge.
A luohan helmet!

Something amusing.
I read in someone's blog,
That she hates people with bad english.
And blogs with "grammer, spelling errors in every sentence."
Right.
But it should be grammAr.
Talk about irony man.

Played around with my mobile,
Found 3 read messages that I don't recall reading,
All sent after the clubbing session at Mad Monks.
I must have been really tired.
The world wasn't more beautiful,
So no, I wasn't drunk, just whoozy.

Crossed the road without realising it was the red man.
Glad the cars were patient, thankful to be alive.

Contemplating the idea of a personal blog.
Will decide after discussing with Sven.

>> warning : long entry.

Catharsis.
The term I always subscribe to but always forget.
Clich� as it can be,
Words are never enough to express how I feel.
Songs get a little closer, thanks to the music.

I'll just try my best to do this.

The first time I saw this person was about 3 months, 1 day & 14 hours ago.
The second time I saw her was about 2 months, 2 weeks, 1 day & 14 hours ago.
The last time I saw her was about 1 day & 13 hours ago.
The feelings were haven't changed much, my heart still raced.
The rate of my heartbeat was inversely proportionate to the distance between us.

I know I can't say things the way they say it to you,
I can't do it such that my words reflect me as nice, sincere, or whatsover.
But it doesn't mean my words mean lesser, it doesn't mean I feel lesser.
I don't call, but it doesn't mean I don't care;
I'm just on standby, and you know it.
It really sucks that I remember almost every single detail from the day I saw you.
And they stick around me, I don't know how to get it out of my head.
Tried to find other things to keep me occupied, and still trying very hard.
Maybe one day, I'll learn how to let go of my memories.
Or maybe one day, I'll lose my memories.

Sven & Kay-lene said,
A large pink heart was flying over my head that night when we were standing and talking.
Guess that said a large chunk of what I left unsaid.

Alright!
I shall blog to prove my existence.
It's the Jerk Club anyway,
And I'm the President!

Jack,
We are really turning this Monks thing into a weekly affair.
Is that good or bad?
At least we are never bored nowadays hor.
Can't wait for our buddy pants.

Whoozy!
From my favourite bottles of long island tea.
Did loads of Gemini-stuff.
It's been downslope for so long that it just has to be upslope soon.

Friends who have been protective yet supportive:
Thanks for being there, although not always physically.
I do listen to all your advices, cos I know you all don't wanna see me get hurt.
But somehow, my knowledge can't be translated into actions.
On the outside, I'm really just doing what I think isn't wrong, going with my feelings;
Yet deep Inside, I'm just so fucking scared of being hurt over and over again.
And jaded.

Highly satisfied.
Cleared the competition/project today,
Plus some interior crap for some wafer fab centre,
Plus tidied up someone's HTML issues on her blog
- a first time checking out how to do columns on HTML !

* pleased *

Mr. Right eye and Mr. Right-big-toe are feeling better too.
Hope they don't fail me tomorrow, or I'll literally start tearing.
Last two Valentine's Day were horrible.
Gonna spend this year's Vday evening learning how to save lifes.
I love to spend time doing useful things. >:]

Busy week.
Going back to the office tomorrow.
Just thankful I'm not Muslim or I won't know what to do.

Met Monica from Warner-Chappell with Ruth at Musset.
She gave wonderful insights on lyric-writing.
Best part was when she said I wrote similiarly to this Kevin Yi
- I'm a very lousy version of Kevin -
Cos I like this Kevin's stuff.
Think lots of earlier Leo Ku songs & Stef's Love Begins from Zero.
Gotta work alot harder and write more.

Studio reunion.
16 of us paid a fucking $22 each for dinner at some kopitiam at Tiong Bahru opposite Tiong Teck building.
That's a total bill of $285, of which we could pay by Visa/Mastercard
- at a kopitiam, mind you! (ok they will call themselves a restaurant) - says alot about the prices huh.
The food included:
$40 for a small plate of sliced fish and vegetables;
$46 for a small plate of Ostrich meat;
$36 for Yu Sheng;
$32 for Seafood Youtiao.
(the plates are as small as your typical fried rice plate)
Apparently, they charged by per head.
But only 16 out of 19 of us ate.
Fucking cheats.

Caught up with XY online yesterday. :]
Was advised against going Holland 'cos of some course-issues.
Horrors - I forgot about her birthday, which was in early January!
Think I'll get her a present and send it over soon.

Had a couple of nightmares last night. *s h i v e r*
Some said I'm stressed, some said I'm tired,
But think Van was right when she said I'm depressed.
Freaking out, fucking scared - shan't talk about it no more.

Made phonecalls to 2 people whom I've been wanting to talk to for real long.
Went to town, met some people, found no size for the Type1s.
Met the clique later at Bt Timah, sent Yan off at the airport.
I'm starting to miss her already. :[

Sven and I are Assholes.
At least that's what they say.
So much for The Jerk Club!
*shrug*


From quizilla's What swear word are you?

Finally --- Perserverence paid off, as seen on this blog.
Tag-board's up, without having had useful advice from anyone.
The skin on test-site hasn't been updated by blogger though.
Blogger seems to be damn slack nowdays.

Reached home from work at almost 10.30pm.
No food at home, so changed and went down to buy dinner.
Walked 4 coffeeshops before a stall that is still open was found.
Hawkers are damn slack nowdays too.

Compare and contrast,
I feel like a super-hardworking jurong-slave.

Sick and tired.
Physically and emotionally, respectively.
Lost in my own thoughts.
Losing the ability to feel.

Playing Stef's Wo Bu Nan Guo on repeat.
[The last one minute of the last phonecall felt odd.]

Sven,
Remember we said we might have done better in other secondary schools?
Today I learnt that there are some things I'll never trade - check the list.

Went back to RGS today with Celine, Ruth & Yan.
It's been ten years since that building stood there.
Been ten years since we first stepped in it too.
Half of those who taught us left,
Quarter of them went to MOE HQ,
The rest still remembers us.
Some of our batchmates/seniors are now teachers.

The house boards look crappy now.
Food there was still not bad, and drinkstall uncle still remains.
Talked about the babes like Belinda, Jo-Ann, Peiming,...
(Gee, all from the black-taggers. Maybe that's why no one noticed Stefanie)
And this got me reminiscing about the past.

This compound holds :
The canteen where I tried to see what Gab looks like
(after the rumour that someone looks like Vivian Chow),
The corridor where Sven chased me in circles 'cos we liked the same girl,
Another corridor where Ming & I bladed while mugging for O's,
The spiral staircase where the Teleview machine stood,
The courts where I played basketball in the rain,
The amphitheatre and hall where our class performed
(and I was Sai Wei from Golden Pillow six chinese new years ago),
The field where I first learnt to play softball from Peiming,
The corner where Peiyi and I sat and had our serious talk,
The theaterette Xiaojuan and I watched 'An Inspector Calls'...
And more than I can ever list.

Overwhelming nostalgia,
Adding on to my blues.

Today was almost wasted away drinking and eating.
Immensely bored so drank loads of wine and beer
Cos they were lying around looking bored too.

If frequent contact means dependency to a certain degree,
Taking things for granted plus being taken for granted,
Less appreciation and frequent disappointments,
Then it is time to be antisocial and back off to my hellhole.

A very accurate word for my current emotion:
Wanderlust.

Am I really so horrible,
Till people have to keep telling me how nice others are to them?

My head hurts.
Baileys ia making it better.

Day One of Chinese New Year started off madly.
Visited Dad's side with him, his girlfriend and her kids.
Dad & I share the same softspot - Girls/Women.
Aunt once told him, "Women will cause your downfall."
I'm damn scared.

Mom's side had good food to make up for the earlier weirdness.
Everyone is growing up and I didn't notice.
Cousin in army actually asked me to go clubbing at Lush with him.
One cousin looks like LeeHom crossed with Nicolas Tse,
Another looks like MVP Lover's Duan Cheng Feng.
Heartbreakers, these guys.

Walked from Orchard MRT to River Hong Bao 2003 in the evening.
Witnessed death turn into life.
Looked at the riddles on the scrolls, too cheem for me.
Came home, blogged.

Hooray to not blogging yesterday.
Don't want to be to form new habits.